What happens to you when conflict arises?
Do you have your set way of being, does your body respond and go into auto-pilot?
Usually we go one of two ways, either towards, or away from conflict. I am definitely the former. This doesn’t mean I am searching for conflict, or ‘stirring the pot’ – but I’m the type of person that seeks peace with people. Ironic that I veer towards conflict no?
If something needs to be cleared or clarified – if a conversation needs to be had, then I have it. I’m also a very bad liar, and wear my heart on my sleeve – and with this winning combo, if something’s up, you’ll know about it!
To me, having those conversations, even if they are awkward or hard to begin with, eventually feel far better than letting things fester. They are an opportunity for growth (for all involved), for deeper understanding, and for strengthening relationships. They are cathartic, they literally lift a heavy weight off my shoulders.
So for me it’s a no brainer when moving towards conflict, but I know this isn’t the case for many.
I came across a pot of gold in my email today, Danielle LaPorte had some words of wisdom around the subject of conflict –
It’s actually not your responsibility to manage the other person’s reactions in times of conflict. You need to focus on managing our own feelings and heart rate.
The meta-purpose of conflict isn’t to help bring us closer — though that can be the transcendent result.
Conflict exists to delineate and clarify “self” from “other”.
Conflict demands acuity and boundaries from us. It asks us to be separate. And that is precisely why it hurts. And, that is precisely how it can heal us as individuals.
So maybe that’s what conflict is all about – defining our personal boundaries, separating us from others?
To me this makes SO much sense.
Mis-understanding is often at the root of conflict, because yes we ARE all different, and it’s highly possible we may not understand one another at times. We don’t all interpret life in the exact same way. We are unique individuals with our own history, experience, wants and desires. We are all driven by a unique set of values and motivators.
We literally see the world through different sets of eyes.
I am reminded of the mind-bending optical illusions we used to study in Psychology – where there were two completely different images hidden within one. Sometimes I could only see one of the images. I would try and try to see the ‘other’ image, and then (with the assistance of others pointing out the key features) – the second image would jump out of the page. Once it was there, I couldn’t believe I didn’t see it before! I could then flip between the two images, depending on which one I was focusing on. Both were real. Both existed.
It’s all about perception.
Yes, there’s the universal needs of safety, love, connection etc – but once our basic needs are met, it’s the subtle drivers that can open us up to conflict. Those messy, complex, deep-rooted ways of being – ways of thinking, ways of talking, ways of doing, ways of reacting – that can start building boundaries between us and others.
The more aware we are of our own ‘world view’ – our own triggers, tendencies, and habitual ways of being – the easier it is to resolve conflict. Because we can get out of our own minds, step back from ourselves, have a good look around, and realise that there are many different view points. There can never be ONE right way. Therefore, conflict can never truly be about whose right or wrong.
It’s about separating us from others, and in doing so getting a better understanding of ourselves, and each other, and how the pieces of the puzzle all fit together.
But to do this, you need to be open to it. You (read: me), need to drop the ego, let the guard down, and truly be vulnerable.
Because it’s the vulnerability that makes us powerful. And is also what moves us forward.
What causes you conflict in life?
When it arrises, do you come to the table or do you bolt in the opposite direction?
Take some time to think about your way of being when it times of conflict.
The more we understand ourselves, the better we can start to understand others.
Here’s to a more peaceful relationship with ourselves, and with those around us.
Leave a Reply