I don’t know when the exact moment was, but somehow over the years I have developed an allergic reaction to gossip.

I can go from the life of the party, to a complete mute when those around me start talking about other people. I’m sure I used to love it at some stage, but now it actually makes me feel a little ill.

We have one life, we have such a limited time together on this earth – why spend it with your loved ones talking about other people? I just don’t understand it. There are far more interesting, inspiring, important and exciting things to talk about than other people. Here are just a few suggestions –

It makes me sad when the conversation steers down this path. Because I know I just can’t connect to people the way I want to when the big fat ‘G’ enters the conversation. I find it extremely alienating. And I’m not talking about the Brad & Angelina type gossip either, that, to a certain degree is harmless. I’m talking about people you know, friends, relatives, colleagues – that kind of thing.

Gossip can make people feel closer to one another, it can provide connection and alliances. And who can really blame us for gossiping, when every time you pick up a magazine or flick on the tv you get an overdose of celebrity gossip. It’s rampant in our society.

I get why people do it, but it also doesn’t make it right.

I’m cultivating the courage to say something in these moments, or to just walk away and remove myself from the situation. But I’m realising that it is so ingrained in our culture, it’s such a socially acceptable topic of conversation around the dinner table – that in turn I may ruffle a few feathers with my reaction. Well, let them ruffle.

Some scientists believe we are all hard-wired for gossip –

“It stems from an evolutionary need Gossip evolved in a village society where everybody knew everybody else and successful navigation of local political complexities had a direct impact on reproductive success.” John Hardy, neuroscientist.

But nowadays there is no reproductive impact to our species by talking about the Jones’s.

If you are talking about someone else because you are concerned about them, great – but make sure your conversation is centred around trying to understand the situation, or how you can help them, or what actions you can take, instead of just gas-bagging about other’s misfortunes in the guise of ‘caring’, when in fact you don’t plan to do anything to help. If you really are concerned about someone, pick up the phone, better yet, go and see them.

A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talk to each other, instead of about each other.

Talk to them – not to others. This may take more courage, it may be harder, and sometimes even a bit scary – but what if the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn’t you want this simple form of respect? I’m sure, like me, you’ve been on the receiving end of gossip at some point in your life – how did that feel? What emotions came up for you? What would you have loved to happen instead?

When I was little teachers and mothers alike used to lament “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.” But it seems we have forgotten this childhood rule.

We all need to vent, to talk things through, to make sense of things in our own minds by talking to our partners, or our best friends – this is extremely healthy, and important for ourselves and our relationships. But there is a HUGE difference between this, and discussing other people for something to talk about. In the former, we are seeking understanding and even advice as to handle a situation, in the latter we are merely gossiping with no intent to help the other person at all.

I don’t want this to come across as ‘holier than thou’. I’m scared it is, and I’m writing it anyway. I just want to raise awareness that not everyone is stoked to be included in the gossip circle. Yes it makes some people feel included and closer – but for others it’s isolating.

We are all just living and learning how to be humans, myself included.

Use your words to lift people up, not bring them down.

So the next time you are faced with this situation, I hope you have the courage to say something, to stand up for what you believe in – rather than sitting in silence, or even worse, joining in.

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

* post note – bunnies look cute when they gossip, humans do not.