perspective

fear of being left behind?

November 13, 2013 by Julia 2 Comments

Today I realised that I can count all my single friends on one hand.

Talk about a wake-up call. Wow, when did that happen?

Slowly but surely, my circle of friends has partnered off, one by one, and are now either engaged or married.

That’s to be expected as you enter your thirties, that’s the way life goes doesn’t it?

It’s been such a beautiful thing to witness and be part of these celebrations. Sharing these special experiences with my friends has been wonderful. I truly am so happy for them. (And I don’t say that with a forced smile, deep down resenting my friends for finding happiness. Not at all, I am genuinely happy for them).

But this has also been a time where fomo (fear of missing out) rears its ugly little head.

This is me being real and vulnerable with you. . .

The worry creeps in now and then, that I am somehow ‘behind’ all of my friends, and that I am missing out. That my life has been put on hold until I find ‘the one’. Sometimes I feel like the person that no one picked for their team, standing alone, looking at everyone else together, and happy.

Even though these thoughts are fleeting, and don’t by any means consume me – they still appear. Yup, fomo can be a real bit*ch!

“Comparison is the thief of joy” – Theodore Roosevelt

Why do I feel like I’m missing out anyway? Like there’s only a certain number of soul-mates, and that when other’s find their partner, that some how, my own chances are diminished? Ridiculous.

I hear people talk about their ‘time running out’, and unfortunately for women of a certain age this is a real fact. We do hear the loud ticking of our biological clocks – as it means either not being able to conceive, or running the risk of pregnancy complications, birth defects and more. Luckily I’m not at that point, but this is real stuff for some women. You can’t chant that away, or positive-phsyc yourself out of that situation. No amount of crystals, or incense is going to change the fact that yes, our eggs do have an expiry date.

Plus there’s the old chestnut of “I don’t want to be 65 years old at my child’s 21st birthday!”. Yup, I can relate to that one. I’ve always wanted to be a young-mum, so that I can relate to my kids, and have the energy to keep up with them! Plus, how cool would it be to be a great-grandma one day? If you had of asked me ten years ago, I would have said by now I would have already have popped out two kids!

It seems like adding insult to injury when you start to see ex-boyfriends get engaged and tie the knot – even the ones that spoke about fear of commitment, and not wanting marriage in their lives. It’s easy to feel like we’re prepping our partners for marriage, doing all the ground-work – only to have someone else reap all the benefits of our hard work! haha yes, I’m LAUGHING as a type this! It’s so ridiculous.

These thoughts are definitely not my beliefs, yet they still pop up – the preverbal devil on my shoulder – to test my strength and faith. Why do we do this to ourselves? Our minds work in mysterious ways.

We don’t have a say over how many of these things in life will pan out, but here’s what YOU CAN DO –

You can CHOOSE the perspective you take, and the attitude you hold.

I could sit here and whine about “when is it my turn?”, or lament about the fact that I don’t have a big bunch of single girlfriends to go out with anymore – but what good would that do? How would that make me feel? It’s not going to change my situation, not only that, it’s actually going to make me feel worse for it.

I know that my time hasn’t come yet. I have no angst or worry about if, and when, it will come either.

I have my health, a great circle of friends, a loving family – and most importantly, the relationship I have with myself is stellar! Now those are things to be thankful for. Gratitude has an incredible way of tipping the scales in our favour.

I love my life, my independence, and I wouldn’t change one thing about the choices I’ve made. My experiences have made me who I am, and I am forever grateful for having such a rich and full life.

The most important relationship we will ever have, is the one with ourself.

Love begins with us. How pure is the love between two people that barely even love themselves? To stay with someone because your scared of being alone, or to think you won’t find a better partner – these are not reasons to stay in a relationship. Personally, I would rather be alone and happy, than in a relationship and unhappy. Hands down. I have experienced the latter, and will never allow myself to be in that situation again. But that’s just me, and we all choose our own path.

I love myself today far more than I ever have. I am clear about who I am as a person. I have had the time to grow and expand alone, without letting myself be defined by another. I know what I want from a relationship, and what I have to contribute. I know what I deserve, and what I will, and will not compromise on.

I am so clear on what I want to create for my life, and look forward to meeting someone to share it all with. Someone to give love to, to support, to encourage. I want a relationship that makes us better people, that lifts us both up and brings out our best qualities – otherwise, what’s the point?

In the meantime, instead of waiting for my prince charming – I’m going to treasure myself, prioritise my happiness, make time for me – and tell myself ‘I love you’ every day.

Yup I’m starting a love-affair with myself, and it’s going to be hot and steamy!

Mills & Boon, eat your heart out.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”

– Oscar Wilde

the roller coaster of life

November 7, 2013 by Julia 2 Comments

It’s been so nice to be home. I’ve spent the last few weeks spending time with my family, catching up with old friends (and their new babies!), soaking up the fresh ocean air, practicing yoga and celebrating my best friends wedding.

The excitement of all these things has been juxtaposed with the news that my closest Aunty has lung cancer.

I found this out the day I left Canada. I was checking my emails on the way to the airport and there it was, written in front of me, the three words no one ever wants to hear – I have cancer.

I couldn’t wait to get back home be with her and my family. The news made an already long journey seem extra extra long! I felt like I would never get home, such long flights, delays, sitting in transit at airports. . . But after nearly 2 days of travel, I finally touched down in Australia.

My auntie had been rushed to hospital the week prior with chest pains, thinking it may have been a heart attack, or angina. Thankfully her heart is great. What they did find however, were two growths on her lung. The test results from the biopsy then came back confirming our worst fear.

Like many of you, my family has lost too many people prematurely to this disease. I’ve shared before about how these kinds of events can shake you, and give you a new perspective on life – my post ‘clarity through loss’.

“At every point in the life cycle, we are vulnerable to the impact of unexpected events that tear off our mask, shake us out of our complacency and propel us into some serious thinking about what matters. People who have lived through life-changing events can often be heart to say, Why did it take a crisis to bring us to our sense? We always knew what was important, but we didnt act as if we knew.” Hugh Mackay

I’m in complete admiration at how my Aunty is handling the news. She has the bravery of a soldier, facing this challenge head on with such a great attitude. Sometimes with the Big C, our attitude is half the battle. Our mindset is so very important, and at times like this it becomes even more so. It takes a certain courage and strength of will, to not just fall into an emotional heap. Not her. She is so pragmatic and positive – just getting on with living her life!

Experiencing this challenging time has really made me appreciate what’s important. After all, it’s the low points in life that often make us appreciate the highs.

Without darkness, we cannot know the light.

clarity through loss

July 15, 2013 by Julia 4 Comments

My cousin passed away today.

After a courageous battle with a brain tumour, he is now resting peacefully.

He was far too young to go, a newly wed man in his early thirties. He had his whole life ahead of him.

I found this out while eating my breakfast this morning. Oceans away from my family, I just wanted to be near them, to talk to one of them, to hug them tight. I couldn’t help the tears fall as I tried to digest the news. I thought of his wife and family, and the loss they must be feeling. I thought of how unfair this was and tried to make sense of why this happened.

Then it hit me. It felt like a jolt to my system, like a physical and mental reboot –

LIFE IS SHORT.

It really brought things home for me. I could choose to question the meaning of life and how he could be taken from us so young. OR I could realise the deeper message that this loss brings – just how precious our lives are.

The choice was made. I picked myself up and decided that I would live today to the fullest in dedication of my cousin. I would be grateful to live this day, and not take for granted the fact that I am here, and he is not. I made a commitment to myself that I would appreciate every moment.

I walked into work along the valley trail and breathed in the fresh mountain air. I passed beautiful old fir trees, I watched the sun peaking over the mountain tops – getting ready to begin a brand new day. I heard the birds singing their morning songs, smelt the pine needles, and watched the clouds float elegantly across the sky.

I smiled at strangers, I said hello to everyone (all the people I passed, not just those that I chose to speak to) I consciously didn’t get flustered or stressed throughout the day at work (at things that only yesterday affected me greatly) – instead I just laughed. I didn’t sweat the small stuff, because in the scheme of things, the small stuff doesn’t really matter. I took slower, deeper breaths. I consoled people, I hugged more, I told people I love them.

I smiled today through sad eyes, and recognised the power of compassion. That everyone we come across probably has their own battles of some kind.

It’s amazing how shifting your perspective can open up a whole new experience for you. I decided to be grateful, and it bought more joy into my day.

As i strolled on home, I realised how lucky I was to have had another day in this beautiful world. I started thinking of all the things I want to do for others, how I can contribute, how I can express my love. I got completely out of my own head, stopped navel gazing, and saw my life truly for what it is – a blank canvas that I can choose to create meaning with.

Every moment is all we ever have. Yesterday is gone, and the future is not yet promised.

All we have is right NOW.

And in this moment we have the power of choice.

We have a responsibility not only to ourselves, but to our loved ones, to our community, to this world – to live with zest, to contribute, and most importantly – to love unconditionally.

It’s a shame that sometimes it takes such tragedy to trigger this innate knowledge. We have all heard it before, we all know it – yet we don’t always act on it. Why does such an important message slip from our focus in our day-to-day living?

Stress, anxiety, worry, overwhelm, greed – a toxic mix of emotion that clouds our vision. They fog up the lens that would usually show us how short and precious life is. Sometimes we fill our lives with so much busy-ness that we don’t make time to stop and really smell the roses – to appreciate every day we have.

Then day’s like today roll around to wake us from our slumber, to jolt some clarity back into our existence.

Death always has this effect on people.

It really hit home when my uncle passed away. We lost him to the most aggressive form of cancer – melanoma. It took his life within months. Again, another young man with so much life ahead of him, or so we thought. Him and his partner had so many dreams, so many plans, so many things they were looking forward to. But they didn’t get the luxury of time that we all seem to believe is promised to us in life.

The experience really made me think – why are we here? what do I want my life to contribute to? What legacy do I want to leave behind?

I decided in that moment to stop taking my life for granted. To stop waiting for some grand day in the future when everything will be perfect and happiness will finally reign over me.

Shortly after this loss I decided to take the plunge, to live my life to the fullest. I moved overseas, as I knew I couldn’t count on having the luxury of time in the future.

Somehow by realising my own mortality, and how fleeting life can be – it took away the fear, the doubt, the deliberation – and forced me follow my heart.

“On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living, that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend’s life also, in our own, to the world.” ― Henry David Thoreau

I will be forever grateful for these realisations – what an incredible parting gift they left behind.

I hope they are resting in peace with the knowledge that they have had such a profound effect on the lives of others.